I originally thought Sportscreme should market
itself with the tagline, "Ben Gay, Done That,"
but then worried about the copyright infringement
lawsuits that would invite from those weirdos
at the Get Straight Acres conversion farm.

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You'd think someone would design
a marketable toilet-shaped aquarium,
just so the fish wouldn't have to feel
they have to die in order to go there.

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My wife thinks I'm nutty because
I enjoy using a soup spoon even
when I'm not having soup.
Well, I'm a grown man, and I'll
eat my baby food sandwiches
any damn way I want!

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Who knew a fresh coat of green
paint could make me a more
environmentally responsible homeowner?

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I wish Starland Vocal Band had
instead sung about Turkish Delight,
because that stuff's so good I
probably would have sex with it.

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Apparently the unrefined louts at the 9-1-1
call center don't feel the cataclysmic
combination of an errand running long and
a soufflé peaking in my oven 12 miles
away constitutes an "emergency"!

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Yeah, I like pina coladas, but to hell with
this getting-wet crap. While you're waiting
in line with the sniffles at Walgreen's,
I'll be right here hitting on someone
of more sensible, wifey stock.

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I wonder if cannibal children,
when making a cold meat sandwich,
fight over who gets the heel.

=== +++ ===

I sure wish my wife had taken the time before
her business trip to sit me down and explain
that the poundage listings on the diapers
has nothing to do with their load capacity.

=== +++ ===

When I think back to those high school dances
and teachers having to use rulers to keep
students properly separated, I have to laugh.
Like my pregnant girlfriend's belly
didn't do a good enough job?

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It sucks being on the wrong side of 30.
I shouldn't have taken that left turn at 28i+e^3.

=== +++ ===

If I had thought of it at the time, I would've told
all those jerks at the management conference
that while "into the ground" may not be good, it
is nevertheless a viable way to run my business.

=== +++ ===

While reaching modern students is tougher
now than ever, I suppose I might have
crossed some vague ethical boundary by
renaming my "Calculus in Geometry" course
"Learning to Make Crystal Math."

=== +++ ===

I believe life's too short to worry about
what other people think -- something that
longtime readers of my blog already know.

=== +++ ===

When I whisper kind words in my dog’s ear,
I wonder if she wags her tail because she
senses she’s loved and will miss me when
I’m gone, or that she’s excited by the smell
of the meaty treat she’s going to devour from
my mouth before the paramedics arrive.

=== +++ ===

I don't know which scared me more,
the eerie sounds coming from outside
my tent, or the ominous horror
movie music that started up.

=== +++ ===

I prefer to let my actions speak for themselves,
which really rankles Grandpa because he
believes actions shouldn't speak unless spoken to.

=== +++ ===

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one
is around to hear it, how is anyone
going to come to the aid of that
shitting bear pinned beneath it?

=== +++ ===

I can appreciate the good seeing-eye dogs do,
but give me a ninja-battle-trained dog any day.

=== +++ ===

My gas cramps were excruciating and
I felt like I was going to die.
Thank goodness for that cutting-
edge fart transplant!

=== +++ ===

Still not enough for ya?

Some of Brad’s “Greatest Hits” can be found here.

=== +++ ===

Still looking for fun? Check out these phat links!





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The above content is original work and copyrighted © 2002-2008 Brad Simanek.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior permission.
Users must attribute authorship to Brad Simanek and cite www.slightlyamusing.com.